Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Using yoga to trust myself

I was so in need of yoga today. My mind was in a million places and I was in another bratty, bitchy mood. I had a good reason- my boyfriend and I had fought about the future- which seems to be what we always fight about. Since we are graduating NEXT month, we both have this feeling of uncertainty overwhelming us more and more each day as that Saturday in April approaches us rapidly. Our fight sucked and although we decided to make amends before I went to sleep, this morning felt like I was hungover. It wasn't from alcohol though, it was from the exhausting emotions and feelings of fear and sadness. We both ended up drawing the conclusion that we are fighting over a possible ending to our relationship, even though we both think we do not want that to happen. It's like we are trying to control our fate. 

And right now, we just don't know where either of us will be and there is no way of knowing that today. We know it will pan out and our relationship's truth will surface, but sometime it is such a scary emotion that takes over and clouds my fatefulness that we will endure a huge transitional part of our lives. Although I got about 7 hours of sleep after our argument, I woke up feeling drained and unsure and kind of lost. I thought, "Thank God. Yoga is at 9:30 and I will be there." I was ready to let my teacher lead me into a more peaceful state of mind. 

Anxiously walking up the steps to the classroom, I felt a feeling of betrayal wash over me. There was some function going on in the yoga room and the class was cancelled. A fellow yogi stood next to me and peered in the room. "What are they doing in there?" I said, "Some bullshit," and trodded back down the steps, pissed.

So, I thought, I'm going home and I am going to get out of this mood on my own. I rolled my mat on my living room floor and popped in an old yoga dvd I got back in the day when I barely knew what yoga was. About 5 minutes into the video when I was starting to feel somewhat calmer, the dvd quit working. I ejected it and saw it was terribly scratched and there was a slim change of it working. 

I proceeded to turn on some strange but strangely enjoyable ethnic music and lead myself through a practice. I quickly remembered that I don't always have to have a yoga teacher. Sometimes, my breath can be my teacher. Especially during times of emotional unrest, like this morning, I have come to trust my breath and my body to let me know what I truly need. Maybe there was a reason why the class was cancelled, why the dvd didn't work- or maybe that was just my luck today. But maybe, just maybe, it was God's way of telling me to work through it myself.

And sure enough, I did. For about 30 minutes, I relished in my yoga practice and had no hesitation between poses. On some level, I knew what I needed to come back to myself- to come back to my centered and more balanced state of mind. Sometimes that's what we have to do- we have to rely on ourselves and we must learn to trust ourselves to help us get through the harder time. 

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