Saturday, May 28, 2011

Gandhi quote

"I offer you peace. I offer you love. I offer you friendship. I see your beauty. I hear your need. I feel your feelings. My wisdom flows from the Highest Source. I salute that Source in you. Let us work together for unity and love."~Mahatma Gandhi

I love this. 


Yesterday was the first day that I just allowed myself to let go, feel all of my subconscious feelings, and cry. I cried until my face was numb and stopped only because of Kelley's 4:30 Vinyasa class. I had poured my heart onto the table and said everything that has been sitting inside of me for the past 5 days. It's funny, because this whole past week, I felt a numbness and a feeling of blankness. My mind was strangely quiet, but I am learning my mind's ways. My heart and my mind are figuring each other out, in a great fabulous strong way. They are starting to match up, to get it. Sure, my mind can be destructive but my heart always wins.

No matter what happens in my life, my heart will prevail against anything else- all other distractions, my ego, my fear, my doubt, and everything external going on in my life. I asked God all week long to tell me how I feel, because I just didn't know. I wrote to Him in my journal, I prayed, I surrendered, and man did he show me what was up yesterday.

The words I spoke almost surprised me. They were all the truth- exactly what I want out of life. Perhaps my truth does not match up to the person I thought it did. And that really tore me apart. But, I got my shit together, took a shower, forced myself to eat for energy...And rode to my haven- Discovery. There was Kelley- my teacher, my friend, and yesterday- my savior. Her positive energy expounds from her and every class, I sweat profusely, I laugh, and I smile. Even yesterday, when my eyes felts swollen and my face felt sucked dry, I did all of those things. And by about 3/4's through the class, I felt new. My eyes felt rested, my face felt soft again, and I felt okay for the first time that day.

I felt stronger than ever during the intense class and I knew that even though I am sad, God has a lot of amazing adventures and people for me to experience in my lifetime. I do not know what my purpose is exactly on this earth, but you know what? That is something we learn throughout our whole lives. If we wake up each day upset because we do not know our purpose, we will really never figure it out because all we will be doing is beating ourselves up for not knowing! We won't actually be doing anything to help ourselves. All I know is that I am grateful to be here. I think that is enough for now, don't you?

All I know is that I believed I found someone in my life who I was supposed to grow with, adventure with, and learn with-- and the obvious, ultimate one-- love with. Somewhere between the worries, fears, uncertainties, insecurities, immaturities, and plain simple forgetfulness, we lost sight of how beautiful our love is...over things that do not matter. It's a fierce, passionate, I thought-undying- love... Not to mention a friendship, a support system. When I had planned my next half a year, and put all of my "career" stuff on hold, to continue our adventure together, I forgot something- things can change. Things can go in other directions. I was just trying to listen to and follow suit with my heart and there were very few instances that I thought I may be making a bad decision. Those instances were never long enough to change my mind. Love always won, like I said. In my book, it should. In others, it doesn't. We can't all be the same. My love for another person and the thought of what wonderful treasures lie for us in the future made me feel so sure that this was nothing but the best for me.

And now, I feel as though I am running through a dark dreary forest on a freezing cold night and I am just waiting to see the light. The light isn't joy, and I know this because I already have joy implanted into my soul- into my being. God gives it to everyone, I believe, and some choose to acknowledge and use it and some choose to ignore it and live in pain forever. But I have it, and I always will. This doesn't mean I won't be sad, depressed, angry, etc. on certain days. I am a human being and far from perfect, but I know the joy is there, and I have the choice every day when I put my feet on the ground to pick it up and dance with it or live half-way. I choose the former option most days. And my wish for everyone is to do the same.  Everyone deserves joy, and like I said, everyone has it already.

This light I speak about is where I will go next- whether it's with a companion or not- it is where I am supposed to go. It's God leading me to my next place on my fabulous journey. And I am bringing my joy with me.

I know this post is particularly more scatter-brained than my others, but bear with me- my mind has a little bit of everything to speak about today.

After Kelley's class was over yesterday, I had sweat out all of the toxins and Kelley invited to have drinks and pizza with her, and we laughed more than I have laughed in a good little while. There is something about just laughing until all of your muscles in your stomach hurt --automatic spirit lifter. I am so grateful to have been lucky enough to be given someone else's love and kindness in a time that all I needed was to feel comfort and appreciation for being exactly who I am- all of me, nothing more. Because you know what, I am enough. And so are you.


Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Learning to accept confusion.

After my yoga practice this afternoon, I came home, cooked myself some stir-fry and sat down to watch the news. As I watched the endless photos and people out west suffering from the aftermath of the recent devastating tornados, I started to feel really sad. Here I am, living in St. Augustine, FL, thousands of miles away from the recent events Mother Nature has brought to part of our country. It's not that it makes me feel guilty, but it just makes me feel like I have absolutely no idea what it is like to really lose someone in my life I deeply care for. Although I lost my grandmother when I was 8-years-old, that is the only event that I can remotely relate to real grief I have felt for the death of a loved one.

And, one of the closest people to me and I have not spoken for nearly 3 full days and I wish things were different. Over the past few days, I have been disconnected, or numbed, from my feelings, simply because I probably just do not want to feel them right now. My yoga practice today brought me an array of visions, thoughts, and feelings. In fact, I believe my yoga practice today dug them out from underneath the muck-the shock and the denial of what is going on right now with someone I care for. But it was all too foggy and buried deep down into the back of my mind.

It's interesting how sometimes the body follows suit with the mind. During Savasana, the meditation part at the end of the class (my very favorite part!), I had one of those coughing attacks that is uncontrollable. I literally had to get up from my mat and run out of the studio so I would not disrupt my fellow relaxed yogi's. I ran out onto the sidewalk and coughed my brains out- or at least it felt like that. I swear, all of the feelings my practice revealed to me were too much for my conscious mind to handle. So, I had a coughing attack, and that was that. My mind didn't have to deal with it just yet.

So I came back into the room right when it was time to "Bring our attention back into our bodies" and sit up for the final prayer of "Namaste". At first, I was bummed I had missed my favorite part of class, but then I realized, maybe I just wasn't supposed to go that far inward today. Maybe I just need some time.

For the past few days, I have also been watching this same news over and over again, with more families uncontrollably losing more loved ones, more people's hearts being completely broken.  And, here I am, with an injured relationship that I want to heal right now.

The guidance will come. It always does. 

Friday, May 20, 2011

My intention today is to be free.

Even when there is nothing incredibly difficult or high-pressure going on in my life, my mind always seems to find something to chase after, to worry about, to obsess over, to latch onto and try to hang on for dear life. Today, for example, was anything but stressful. I simply went for a short, painless run and enjoyed a luxurious few hours with my boyfriend. We didn't even argue, not even one bicker! That is an accomplishment for us, so I was extremely grateful for that. Then, I got to go to one of my favorite places in the world, Discovery Yoga, where I am responsible for managing the office on Friday afternoons before the Vinyasa class. Oh, and I also get to take the class for free! Again, nothing stressful- exactly the opposite actually.

After my boyfriend went to work and once I hopped onto my bike and began pedaling to the studio, my mind was attacked. Whatever you want to call it- the ego, the "devil" (as my mom calls it), the smaller self, the mind chatter, etc... It came pouring into my brain and took ahold of my being. I know for a fact I shouldn't be worrying about anything. I am healthy. My family and friends are wonderful. I am blessed with fabulous parents, I just graduated from college, and I am in love. Sure I have problems, bad days, negative thoughts, just like the rest of our species.  But, in general, I know I have it good. All is well in my life.

But, my mind often likes to take me away from the present, from my physical self, from now. Even on easy days like this Friday. My mind makes simple tasks seem huge. It's like it doesn't know how to relax. It's not like I was having any dreadful thoughts on this particular day. They were simple: What groceries do I need? When am I going to get those damn dishes done? When do I need to get up tomorrow for work? What should I pack for lunch? When should I go for a run tomorrow? But my mind makes all of these every-day tasks seem so huge. Then, it tries to reach for next week. And next month, and next year. Sometimes, like today, I let my mind run around freely. I let it take me every which way- pushed and pulled in each direction. But not for long.

This afternoon, I rolled out my mat and sat on the cushion, I just observed my "monkey mind" as many of my yoga teachers often call it. After I was done believing that any of the worries it actually thinks I have are relevant or useful to me in this moment, I smiled to myself. All I have is now. I am free now and free always. Obsessing over things to be done and what may happen tomorrow, next week, next month, next year, years from now, will do me no good right now. In fact, all it will do is take me away from the present- where true joy is found. That is not free- that is being mentally chained to nonexistent problems.

Once we finished our 3-part yogic breath, Kelley, my teacher, told us to pick our intention for the practice today. I usually pick the first word that comes flashing into my consciousness. And today... Guess what it was?