Saturday, May 28, 2011


Yesterday was the first day that I just allowed myself to let go, feel all of my subconscious feelings, and cry. I cried until my face was numb and stopped only because of Kelley's 4:30 Vinyasa class. I had poured my heart onto the table and said everything that has been sitting inside of me for the past 5 days. It's funny, because this whole past week, I felt a numbness and a feeling of blankness. My mind was strangely quiet, but I am learning my mind's ways. My heart and my mind are figuring each other out, in a great fabulous strong way. They are starting to match up, to get it. Sure, my mind can be destructive but my heart always wins.

No matter what happens in my life, my heart will prevail against anything else- all other distractions, my ego, my fear, my doubt, and everything external going on in my life. I asked God all week long to tell me how I feel, because I just didn't know. I wrote to Him in my journal, I prayed, I surrendered, and man did he show me what was up yesterday.

The words I spoke almost surprised me. They were all the truth- exactly what I want out of life. Perhaps my truth does not match up to the person I thought it did. And that really tore me apart. But, I got my shit together, took a shower, forced myself to eat for energy...And rode to my haven- Discovery. There was Kelley- my teacher, my friend, and yesterday- my savior. Her positive energy expounds from her and every class, I sweat profusely, I laugh, and I smile. Even yesterday, when my eyes felts swollen and my face felt sucked dry, I did all of those things. And by about 3/4's through the class, I felt new. My eyes felt rested, my face felt soft again, and I felt okay for the first time that day.

I felt stronger than ever during the intense class and I knew that even though I am sad, God has a lot of amazing adventures and people for me to experience in my lifetime. I do not know what my purpose is exactly on this earth, but you know what? That is something we learn throughout our whole lives. If we wake up each day upset because we do not know our purpose, we will really never figure it out because all we will be doing is beating ourselves up for not knowing! We won't actually be doing anything to help ourselves. All I know is that I am grateful to be here. I think that is enough for now, don't you?

All I know is that I believed I found someone in my life who I was supposed to grow with, adventure with, and learn with-- and the obvious, ultimate one-- love with. Somewhere between the worries, fears, uncertainties, insecurities, immaturities, and plain simple forgetfulness, we lost sight of how beautiful our love is...over things that do not matter. It's a fierce, passionate, I thought-undying- love... Not to mention a friendship, a support system. When I had planned my next half a year, and put all of my "career" stuff on hold, to continue our adventure together, I forgot something- things can change. Things can go in other directions. I was just trying to listen to and follow suit with my heart and there were very few instances that I thought I may be making a bad decision. Those instances were never long enough to change my mind. Love always won, like I said. In my book, it should. In others, it doesn't. We can't all be the same. My love for another person and the thought of what wonderful treasures lie for us in the future made me feel so sure that this was nothing but the best for me.

And now, I feel as though I am running through a dark dreary forest on a freezing cold night and I am just waiting to see the light. The light isn't joy, and I know this because I already have joy implanted into my soul- into my being. God gives it to everyone, I believe, and some choose to acknowledge and use it and some choose to ignore it and live in pain forever. But I have it, and I always will. This doesn't mean I won't be sad, depressed, angry, etc. on certain days. I am a human being and far from perfect, but I know the joy is there, and I have the choice every day when I put my feet on the ground to pick it up and dance with it or live half-way. I choose the former option most days. And my wish for everyone is to do the same.  Everyone deserves joy, and like I said, everyone has it already.

This light I speak about is where I will go next- whether it's with a companion or not- it is where I am supposed to go. It's God leading me to my next place on my fabulous journey. And I am bringing my joy with me.

I know this post is particularly more scatter-brained than my others, but bear with me- my mind has a little bit of everything to speak about today.

After Kelley's class was over yesterday, I had sweat out all of the toxins and Kelley invited to have drinks and pizza with her, and we laughed more than I have laughed in a good little while. There is something about just laughing until all of your muscles in your stomach hurt --automatic spirit lifter. I am so grateful to have been lucky enough to be given someone else's love and kindness in a time that all I needed was to feel comfort and appreciation for being exactly who I am- all of me, nothing more. Because you know what, I am enough. And so are you.


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