Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Learning to accept confusion.

After my yoga practice this afternoon, I came home, cooked myself some stir-fry and sat down to watch the news. As I watched the endless photos and people out west suffering from the aftermath of the recent devastating tornados, I started to feel really sad. Here I am, living in St. Augustine, FL, thousands of miles away from the recent events Mother Nature has brought to part of our country. It's not that it makes me feel guilty, but it just makes me feel like I have absolutely no idea what it is like to really lose someone in my life I deeply care for. Although I lost my grandmother when I was 8-years-old, that is the only event that I can remotely relate to real grief I have felt for the death of a loved one.

And, one of the closest people to me and I have not spoken for nearly 3 full days and I wish things were different. Over the past few days, I have been disconnected, or numbed, from my feelings, simply because I probably just do not want to feel them right now. My yoga practice today brought me an array of visions, thoughts, and feelings. In fact, I believe my yoga practice today dug them out from underneath the muck-the shock and the denial of what is going on right now with someone I care for. But it was all too foggy and buried deep down into the back of my mind.

It's interesting how sometimes the body follows suit with the mind. During Savasana, the meditation part at the end of the class (my very favorite part!), I had one of those coughing attacks that is uncontrollable. I literally had to get up from my mat and run out of the studio so I would not disrupt my fellow relaxed yogi's. I ran out onto the sidewalk and coughed my brains out- or at least it felt like that. I swear, all of the feelings my practice revealed to me were too much for my conscious mind to handle. So, I had a coughing attack, and that was that. My mind didn't have to deal with it just yet.

So I came back into the room right when it was time to "Bring our attention back into our bodies" and sit up for the final prayer of "Namaste". At first, I was bummed I had missed my favorite part of class, but then I realized, maybe I just wasn't supposed to go that far inward today. Maybe I just need some time.

For the past few days, I have also been watching this same news over and over again, with more families uncontrollably losing more loved ones, more people's hearts being completely broken.  And, here I am, with an injured relationship that I want to heal right now.

The guidance will come. It always does. 

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