Complete.

I did about 6 hours of yoga yesterday. I kid you not. I am not an addict- I am just in the midst of my yoga-teacher training course (just finished up week 2). And then, I took one of my friend's classes at night. Each day, I have clearer and clearer readings on my inner spirit. During my THIRD, yes third, savasana, I had this vivid image of my heart. It was filled with all these little black holes. And, one by one, my hand reached in and pulled out bunches of black strings. These black strings are leftover pain, residue from the past that I no longer need in order to live completely and fully alive, with my heart totally in tact.

 I felt new... It was like a black tidal wave swept over my whole being and left me clean and flowing, like blooming flowers in a bountiful garden. I had an image of myself for a few brief seconds, seated, alone, just enjoying the scenery. Words came to my mind, like, Don't be afraid, Just go, Just trust, Just go on your way.

And today, as I flowed in and out of postures, I felt a deep connection to myself--- a serious feeling of wholeness. I have felt this before, in the past... It's a feeling of comfort with being alone, being at peace with myself, even with all of my imperfections, insecurities, and personality flaws.  I am complete, I thought so many times today. What a beautiful thing to feel after feeling so depleted for several weeks.

Everywhere I look, there are people with love in their hearts that is so strong it shines through their eyes.  For others, it is deep down--If we really give people a chance, everyone has it somewhere inside of them, even if it is at the bottom of a heap of dirt- anger, fear, resentment, sadness, etc... It's still there. And when we find it, what an amazing experience it is. The past falls away, there are no regrets, there are no shoulda woulda couldas. There is acceptance, peace, and forgiveness. When we allow the future to fall away, there is no worry or fear, there are no expectations. There is trust and hope. And in the present, everywhere I look, there is change, there is new life, there is no reaching for the unknown, there is no looking back. 

Bringing me back.

My yoga practice today brought me back to myself. When I say this, I simply mean that when my mind is so cluttered, so unclear, so overwhelmed with thoughts flying in and out like a wildfire, it is really difficult for me to feel like myself. I have been going through a difficult time and have been allowing myself to be afraid of change, instead of fully embracing it. Although I know I may forget sometimes to do this, today I have realized how much left of my life there is to live. It is so silly of me to think that just because things are not the way I was expecting them to be, so suddenly and abruptly, that things are really that bad.

Sure, things don't go the way we want them too in our lives. For me, I was in a relationship that was up and down, but to me, it was always worth fighting for regardless of how angry I would get sometime. But for the other person, it was not worth it. At first, that made me angry and it made me sad, etc. I didn't understand why, there were no concrete reasons. To my knowledge, we loved each other and wanted to be there for one another, through thick and thin. 

But something came into my consciousness, somewhere between my yoga practices, runs, bike rides and journaling-- God will not allow me to stay stuck with someone if He knows there is someone else out there for me that will fit me so much better. Regardless of when he comes into my life, I will be able to look back on right now and say, Aha, ok God, I get it now. And I will be so thankful that things did work out this way. This is my chance to free myself, to get out in the world and use my life- my mind, my heart, my body- in all the ways that God has put me here for. He did not put any of us here to waste away and drown in nostalgia, wondering why things are this way. 

He put us here to reveal our true selves to the world, to experience people and the environment, to share and receive love with those who deserve it, to expand our minds and use it to our advantage and not self-destruction. It is so important to be true to ourselves and to never lose site of who we are in our core. We cannot compromise ourselves, because, after all, we are our very own best friends. 

Staying Sane.

I figured out in the past couple of weeks that yoga is imperative during times of emotional struggle, no matter how much I don't even feel like moving. I am going through an drastic and sudden change in my life, and I am having difficulty accepting it and letting go. The person I loved had to leave my life, for reasons I am not quite clear on. It's interesting, because each morning, I wake up in the same mindset of, "Oh, I am so sad, and I am this and I am that, and this is awful, and why did this happen, and I am heartbroken, and this will never go away, and I have lost my motivation...." My mind continues to torment me with these thoughts and my heart aches deep inside of my chest,  and I swear if I think about my heart, all I see is black.

But each day throughout this painful time, I have made it to my yoga mat, whether it is at my studio for a 90-minute class or in my room for 20. And, no, my bad feelings and emotions aren't magically gone afterwards, but man, does my yoga practice at least grant me some peace. It brings me back into my body, and takes me away from the clutter and confusion of my thoughts.

Last week was the first time I have ever had a class that I thought I would not be able to finish. I was so emotionally drained and upset that as soon as I sat down and shut my eyes to begin, I thought to myself, "There's no way, there's no way I am doing this entire class, this is too much, I have to leave."

But, my body stayed, I sat there, and finished the breathing portion, flowed through sun salutations, balancing poses, seated poses, and made it to savasana an hour and a half later. And even though, I didn't feel anywhere close to how my normally-joyful self feels after a class, I felt a hell of a lot better than before. It's almost like my body did not allow my mind to take me out of the class. It told my mind to shutup and that this is what I really needed at that moment.

So, during this tough time, I credit my body's connection to my mind and my yoga practice for my sanity.

Namaste.