Thursday, September 1, 2011

Love yourself.

It was the weekly Wednesday class that my dear friend Kelley teaches. Sometimes, I step in and teach parts of the class, but I believe it was an unspoken understanding that I was not in the mood to teach. I was needing to go on a trip inside of myself to find out what is really going on. I have spent the past couple of weeks on a rollercoaster ride of emotions- sadness, love, joy, anger, resentment, insecurity, doubt, glimpses of hope-- all of these things that normally come with life on the side. Well, at least that's what it seems like to me sometimes when I am having a rough time with a situation in my life- and it's always with the people I love the most. It seems like that's all there is- these emotions- they just take over and seem to want to take control.

Well, they can't.. The only way they win is if we allow them to. What I have found is that when you dissect each one, you can find its seed-- what triggered it? Why is it there? What is it really all about? Is it really about another person or is it about YOU? Does it really have the power to take your own peace away? I sometimes think to myself-- I wish I could just watch my life's events from an objective point of view and react like this : "Oh, okay, that happened. Okay, I'm still peaceful, I am still joyful, I am still laughing." But you know what? That's not real life. I realize that is maybe what the few enlightened ones say they experience, but I don't plan on reaching enlightenment in this lifetime.

So, I am going to take it all in-- each emotion, for just what it is- an emotion, nothing more. Sure, depending on its weight, it'll consume me for a period of time- I am only human.  But, I also realize that many of the negative emotions I feel come from something missing deep inside of myself.  I have learned at a young age that it is okay to love- in fact, is very okay to love, with everything you have inside of yourself. But I have also learned that it is equally, if not more important to be able to fill yourself up alone- Whole. Complete. By Yourself.

So, when I have spent many hours in the past couple of weeks feeling "unloved," I was naively believing that I cannot feel expounding amounts of love all on my own-- with God's help. No wonder I felt so ungrounded, so far away from the real me. I was allowing insecurities, and experiences from the past to block my heart. And without a clear passage way to my heart, how can I love myself.. or anybody else? So, I guess I could go as far to say after a relatively short period of neglect, that I'm beginning to fall back in love with myself- not in an egotistical way- but in a healthy, necessary way.

That is what I reminded myself of last night-- and will probably have to over and over in my lifetime-- as I lay in Shavasana (relaxation), as I allowed my physical body to float away for a few minutes and tuned into my spirit. I have to show myself the love, or no matter what, no matter who I am with or how I am in relationships, I will never feel fulfilled. So, with a new connection to my heart, I believe I can share real, forgiving, compassionate love with the entire world.


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