Injured Yoga

I shattered my wrist a couple of months ago after my car flipped me off the road while on my way back to St. Augustine from home in Georgia. And, the first question I asked my surgeon when I was coherent enough was, "Will I be able to do yoga?" He looked skeptical, and my heart sank. But luckily, most doctors are remotely fit an he was definitely in good shape, and understanding of the importance of my question. Obviously yoga is not all about "Being fit" but I feel like most people who are in good shape are more in tune with their bodies than those who are, well... not so in shape.

He told me I could ease back into it, which meant absolutely no wheels (backbends), which are my favorite. I do them every night before I go to sleep. And, no downward dogs, the stereotypical, but most-used yoga pose in the book. Basically, none of my weight could go on my wrists. How in the world am I going to be able to practice without freaking out, I thought?

But I did. After about a week away from any physical activity (that's like a wish for insanity in my book), I was back at it. I went to a yoga class everyday and just told myself I would do what I could do that way, and listen to exactly what my body is telling me. Yoga helped me immensely (surprise, surprise) with letting go of the emotional aftermath of the accident that was gnawing at me everyday. It made me realize that even if I am not in my full expression of a pose (instead, I did downward dogs and planks on my elbows), I could still reap the same benefits that I always have. It taught me that yoga doesn't have to be perfect. I don't have to be pushed beyond my max. I just need to listen to my body and  follow suit.

I am writing about this today, because it is the end of March- and YAY! This is when my doctor told me that downward dog would be safe again. So, a couple of days ago, I gave it a try. I pushed my palms firmly into the mat and raised my hips up to the sky. It felt new, almost, and my muscles were tight, because, well they had been on vacation from this pose. But it made me smile. I am so glad I never tried to push myself further than my body needed me to go. It just needed time to heal and that's why bodies are such an amazing thing. If we treat them well and respect them the best we can, they will be there for us, too.

Namaste. 

Anger-extinguisher

I am graduating in one month from college. I have put my blood and sweat into my work. I love my work. I live and breath my work and it brings me all sorts of emotions- joy, dread, dissappointment, frustration, confidence, relief, and so on. I have given almost all of my entire being to journalism over the past few years, ever since I knew it was what I loved, and what I am pretty damn good at, most of the time.

Anyways, I'll cut to the chase. Last night, water was spilt all over my laptop. My laptop has EVERYTHING I have ever worked on or am in the process of working on. This is the worst possible time this could have ever happened to me. I am actually not the one who spilt the water, and I thought I was going to go insane when it happened. Tears instantly exploded from my eyes. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs. I wanted to pull all of my hair out. I cried and cried and cried. I was sad, angry, in shock, etc.

So, I passed out. I woke up this morning and prayed: "God, please help me to remain calm today. Please let it all work out, please let me be calm.. otherwise, I am going to lose it."

So far, so good. I am working hard today to stay grounded and to not get wrapped up in all of my emotions. My yoga class today was crucial. As I flowed through the class, I breathed in and out slowly and calmly. When my mind wanted to bring me to all of the works-in-progresses on my water-drenched computer, that are SO important at this point in time, I simply thought, "No, Mind, come back to the breath." Seriously, this may sound ridiculous, but that is what I did. And I felt better. The problem isn't fixed, and I am not sure if it will be fixed. And I don't know what I am going to do if it can't be. But, at least right now, I am calm and I am just putting all of my trust and faith in God for me to get through it without losing my sanity.

Thanks yoga.

Namaste

Sexual Abuse in yoga? um, No.

 I was skimming The New York Times website and came across an article about yoga teachers making adjustments during class. Apparently, some people have been so uncomfortable, they've tried taking it to court.

Here's an excerpt from the article by Emily Rueb:

Michael O’Brien Keating, a Denver lawyer who has represented individuals in claims against yoga studios, took on a case in Colorado filed by a practitioner who alleged that an improper adjustment had led to an injury.

The matter was resolved out of court, but Mr. Keating, who dabbles in yoga himself, sees a large gray area in manipulating and adjusting students.

“The difficulty is that you have people in class who aren’t very athletic,” he said, “or who are getting into compromised positions” and may feel uncomfortable speaking up if an adjustment doesn’t feel right.

Each style of yoga also approaches adjustments differently. For instance, Mysore is more aggressive, Mr. Brown said, citing videos of Sri K. Pattabhi Jois, the Ashtanga guru, pushing a man’s head to his knee in a forward bend.

It’s impossible for a teacher — even when working with experienced and familiar students — to know a person’s complete medical history or his or her emotional state on a particular day. 

Well, obviously, just because a person is certified to teach a yoga class, they cannot read minds, or determine someone's past, especially if it is a new face in the studio. From my experience, and I have taken lots and lots of yoga classes in at least 10 different cities, the teacher usually WILL say, If you are uncomfortable with me giving you an adjustment, please let me know, and I will not adjust you. A person should be able to say no if they are truly not comfortable with being touched in any way, even if the teacher is just trying to show them a possibly, better way to ease into the pose. I have never felt uncomfortable when I have been adjusted, even if it is a man!

I know that after I become certified this summer and start teaching a yoga class eventually, I will offer adjustments- to me AND women- but I will always, always always, make sure they are okay with it, like most of my trusted yoga instructors. 

Maybe it's just me, but I find it hard to believe some people think yoga teachers are going to use their class as a way to get off and fulfill their sexual desires by "inappropriately" touching someone in a yoga pose. Please. GROW UP horn dogs, get a problem.

Be here. Now.

Something I have learned in yoga is to be present. If only I could always remember to do that when I am off the yoga mat. If only I could stop worrying about what may happen in the future and just take each day at a time. Sometimes, when I am on my yoga mat, I have this thought come into my head saying, "My God... simply focusing on the moment I am in, and not worrying about what happened yesterday or tomorrow, is so much better!" I am so much happier and joyful doing that. Why do I worry about tomorrow if I am not there yet? And then, when tomorrow comes, I'll be worrying about the next day? That sounds like a vicious cycle to me.

So, if we all make a conscious effort to take the "present momentness" off the mat (or just in general, for those who do not practice yoga), we will inevitably be happier beings. What I have found in the past week during my practices, is that it is okay to have visions of the future and to know there are tentative plans, but it is NOT okay to constantly obsess over what may or may not happen tomorrow (and in the far future). And I have found that Trust- Trust is the key to truly letting go of that mind chatter. Yoga helps me to let go of the self-doubt and helps me to open my heart, which I plan on listening to for the remainder of my years on earth to guide me where I am supposed to go.

My heart knows. My heart knows exactly where I want to go. It is my mind who is indecisive. I always tell people I am the most indecisive person I know and it absolutely drives me crazy. But that is simply my thoughts and my mind grasping at what if's, what now's, should I's? and so on. My heart knows the way. And yoga helps me to feel it and to really know where to go next, after graduating from college.

It's funny how reading spiritual writing can truly leave an imprint on my brain and the way I live my life. I read daily spiritual devotions from a book called Journey to the Heart by a woman named Melody Beade (I highly recommend this) that my mother gave me, every single morning. And a couple of days ago, it told me to follow my visions. The next thing I know, I was laying in Savasana-the meditation part of a yoga practice-envisioning this path way. I was wandering through a dark scary forest and finally saw this opening of a fresh light pouring into the darkness. And then, as tears poured out of my eyes and down my cheeks, I saw my visions, and I know where my heart wants to go. But for now, I am right here, Trusting.

Namaste!

Using yoga to trust myself

I was so in need of yoga today. My mind was in a million places and I was in another bratty, bitchy mood. I had a good reason- my boyfriend and I had fought about the future- which seems to be what we always fight about. Since we are graduating NEXT month, we both have this feeling of uncertainty overwhelming us more and more each day as that Saturday in April approaches us rapidly. Our fight sucked and although we decided to make amends before I went to sleep, this morning felt like I was hungover. It wasn't from alcohol though, it was from the exhausting emotions and feelings of fear and sadness. We both ended up drawing the conclusion that we are fighting over a possible ending to our relationship, even though we both think we do not want that to happen. It's like we are trying to control our fate. 

And right now, we just don't know where either of us will be and there is no way of knowing that today. We know it will pan out and our relationship's truth will surface, but sometime it is such a scary emotion that takes over and clouds my fatefulness that we will endure a huge transitional part of our lives. Although I got about 7 hours of sleep after our argument, I woke up feeling drained and unsure and kind of lost. I thought, "Thank God. Yoga is at 9:30 and I will be there." I was ready to let my teacher lead me into a more peaceful state of mind. 

Anxiously walking up the steps to the classroom, I felt a feeling of betrayal wash over me. There was some function going on in the yoga room and the class was cancelled. A fellow yogi stood next to me and peered in the room. "What are they doing in there?" I said, "Some bullshit," and trodded back down the steps, pissed.

So, I thought, I'm going home and I am going to get out of this mood on my own. I rolled my mat on my living room floor and popped in an old yoga dvd I got back in the day when I barely knew what yoga was. About 5 minutes into the video when I was starting to feel somewhat calmer, the dvd quit working. I ejected it and saw it was terribly scratched and there was a slim change of it working. 

I proceeded to turn on some strange but strangely enjoyable ethnic music and lead myself through a practice. I quickly remembered that I don't always have to have a yoga teacher. Sometimes, my breath can be my teacher. Especially during times of emotional unrest, like this morning, I have come to trust my breath and my body to let me know what I truly need. Maybe there was a reason why the class was cancelled, why the dvd didn't work- or maybe that was just my luck today. But maybe, just maybe, it was God's way of telling me to work through it myself.

And sure enough, I did. For about 30 minutes, I relished in my yoga practice and had no hesitation between poses. On some level, I knew what I needed to come back to myself- to come back to my centered and more balanced state of mind. Sometimes that's what we have to do- we have to rely on ourselves and we must learn to trust ourselves to help us get through the harder time. 

Tuning out the bad thoughts and tuning into truth

Sometimes, like this morning, I feel like letting out a big screech during yoga. This may sound bizarre but when my mind is processing the previous evening's disruptions and trying to let go of anything bothering me, it is hard to be so quiet. But my fellow yogis' apparent peacefulness and the quietness of the room made me want to calm down. It made me want to let go of any lingering annoyances or anything that could possibly hold me back from living this day to its best potential. And I did.

I got over my sometimes-bratty self's mindset of burdening thoughts about anything, really-anything at all, that could possibly be wrong with my life. I am at least about 88% sure that most people's minds want to grasp and grab at all the "problems" and all of the things that could be, would be, should be, better in their lives. My mind is totally guilty of this even though I have a unwavering truth instilled in me that my life is beautiful and I am so grateful for everything I am blessed with. But, hello! I am a human and I lose sight of this beauty, sometimes several times a day.

That's why yoga is so important for me. Yoga humbles me and smacks me around a little bit (obviously, in a figurative sense). Like, today, when I was slowly letting go of my bratty thoughts (thank God) and when I was standing in Warrior 1. We held that pose for what seemed like 15 minutes (it was probably about 3 or 4 in real life) and if my legs could talk, they would have been saying, "DEAR LORD!!! CAROLINE WHAT THE HELL??? STOP THIS MADNESS NOW!"

In other words, my hamstrings and thighs were aching after about a minute of holding Warrior 1. But I stayed there. This, to me, is how yoga keeps me grounded. Once the pain is felt, I can learn to sit there with it and surrender to it- much like when negative thoughts find their sneaky way into my young mind. It is that simple- I can let them go now that I have accepted them. Now, it shouldn't be a pain that makes you want to cry, but just enough to make you think, "WOW. I do not know if I can hold this pose." Today was a day where I needed to hold it and breathe through the physical fatigue, in order to help me rid myself and work though the mind muck.

Other times, I am feeling more lighthearted and less serious with myself and my mind is in a more carefree place. These are the days when I can fall out of a hard balance pose and laugh at my clumsy, unperfect self. But I will save that for another post, because after all, this IS today.

NAMASTE!

Twisting out the mind's garbage

Yesterday, I woke up with a clouded mind and feelings of great uncertainty for my future. With college graduation haunting me in the distance, a boyfriend of almost a year, and no idea of where he or I will be in the next few months, worrying is one of my most recent hobbies.

I threw on my yoga clothes, rolled up my green mat and hopped on my bike.

Once I was sprawled out on my mat, I closed my eyes and took a few deep breaths. I always try to set an "intention," or a focus for my practice that I need to work on. Sometimes my intention is a person who I know needs the positive energy more than I do. But usually it is a word or a phrase that comes in to my mind within the first few asanas (postures) of my practice. This day, it was "Let go and trust." So i went with it. I started to flow through the yoga class as calmly and clearly as I could, despite my mind's commotion. It just didn't want to let me feel the joy I know I have inside of me. Lately, it has wanted me to constantly question and fear what is going to happen.

Then, my teacher started to lead us in to twisting postures, where you literally twist your torso in one direction and hold for several breaths. On each inhale, you are supposed to straighten your spine and on each exhale, you are supposed to twist further.

Yesterday, my mind was not in the mood to hold these twists. About halfway through them, I found myself thinking, "When can I get out of these damn twists? When is he going to tell us to 'return to face center'?" But he didn't. My teacher apparently knew I really needed these twists. So we kept holding, and a feeling of release came over me. I started to relish in the twists my mind had told me to hate just moments before. I felt like I was literally ringing out all of the worrisome and exhausting thoughts my mind had unpleasantly greeted me with that morning.

Once the twists were over and I finished my practice yesterday morning, I felt new. I had this feeling that everything is going to work out well and I can not worry about the future, because it simply does not exist yet. Yoga is helping me during a time of uncertainty. With each inhale I take, I try to breathe in trust and excitement for the future. And with each exhale I take, I try to breathe out and let go of the fear.  Namaste!

Yoga is my Church.

I know that my last post talked about how I truly recognized the mental benefits of yoga during my freshman year of college. Well, since then, yoga has served as my church. Does that sound weird? Let me explain.

I was raised Episcopal and went to church every Sunday with my parents and brother. I sang in the choir, played an angel in the Christmas pageants, and ate graham crackers with apple juice while listening to Biblical tales about Noah's Ark, Jonah's Tale, etc. I actually loved church when I was little.

But my high school years can be described as anything but religious, let alone spiritual. I lost sight of any kind of connection with a higher power during those years. In no way am I saying that I was unhappy. I was just a teenage girl who just wanted to think about boys, drinking beer, sneaking out of my house, driving, and oh yeah- sometimes that school thing.

Once I got past those years of rebellion and oblivion, I started to realize there is a lot more to life than what I was going to wear next, who is cheating on who, and how wasted I could get on the weekends. I tried the church thing again during my freshman year of college, but it didn't really make sense to me. All these people go to church and say they are Christians, but a lot of the times, I saw feelings of superiority spewing from their beings.

To make myself clearer, here is an example of what I am talking about: My grandmother is a die-hard Presbyterian and is constantly shoving Bible verses down my throat and telling me gays are sinners. I am not gay, however, I think it is 100 % ignorant for anyone to say being gay is a sin. I also love my grandmother, but I do not love the fact that she feels like she can act better than other people because they are not Christians.

To this day, my grandmother does not understand my infatuation, devotion, and love for yoga. But that is okay. She doesn't have to. I just do not want to be a part of the religious divide that I believe many people have created to separate themselves from other fellow human beings.

So, yoga serves as my church.  And yes, yoga's core is rooted in Hinduism. But when I go to yoga, there are all different kinds of people with all different kinds of backgrounds, skin colors, and sexual orientations. But it doesn't matter because nothing is separating us from each other. We are all just doing yoga. We all have different reasons to why we're there but we don't question. We just are who we are, doing yoga.  

Clearing out the Mind Clutter on and off the Mat

It was some time during Savasana, the meditation part of a yoga class during my freshman year of college, when I realized yoga could possibly save my life.

Well,  I realized it could save me from completely caving in to the anxiety and stress constantly trying to take over my life. My year at Stetson was a tough transition from high school because the public school in Georgia did not prepare me well for the endless term papers, non-multiple choice exams and hundreds of pages of reading every day. Not to mention, I was under the impression I had to join a sorority and the majority of the girls in my dorm were bitches. I also decided to run collegiate cross-country that year, a decision I would have laughed about in high school.

No wonder I was stressed out! All of these new things were happening in my life and I was in a place where I did not really feel at home. I finally came to the conclusion that sororities and Stetson were not for me, but yoga was there helping me to get through that year without allowing myself to become depressed.

As a true believer in exercise reducing stress and calming my mind, I took advantage of all of the classes Stetson offered in their gym. I started going to a yoga class twice a week. This was not yoga on crack- it was challenging, yet more about relaxing and being in the present moment. That is where I came to the realization- yoga can't take away all of the so-called problems or struggles but it can help in detaching from them and stopping obsession over them.

As a person who is constantly asking, "What is going to happen?"... yoga helps me to release the need to control what will happen and to ride the waves of life without getting bogged down in my mind's worries. I know there are a lot of people out there who dwell on the past, worry and wonder about the future, but live halfway in the moment. After all, we are human and our minds like to latch on to the constant hustle and bustle of thoughts and a lot of the time, worries.

But with yoga, I have learned to accept the worries of potential future problems and not let them overcome me because, well, they are not even real! And as far as the past goes, it helps me to be more grateful and less regretful for what God has given me. And the most important part, the present, is much easier to stay in when I allow my yoga practice to spill in to the rest of my life. I have to be present in yoga class, or else, I will fall over or lose my pose. And outside of my practice, I apply that same principle, and when I do not, I lose my balance- my emotions and thoughts are scattered. Yoga can be a way of life not just a part of life spent on a rubber mat. 

Get hooked: Yoga on Crack

So, I talked about how I started actually taking interest in yoga eight years after stumbling upon my mother in the midst of her craziness. That made me 16, a time in which I believe it is safe to say, most females would not wish to re-live if they had the choice. Ironically, this was a time that my parents seemed like the biggest pains in the asses alive. It was the year I got my license and drove around smoking cigarettes like a chimney and made elaborate plans to escape from my house with my friends after my midnight curfew.

Although I was not the healthiest I have been in my life (it didn't help that I was dating a chain smoker/pot head either), excercise was important to me and I noticed the yoga classes at the gym I belonged to. My friends wouldn't go with me, but for some reason, maybe it was my subconscious mind drawing me back to my eight-year-old curiosity. So I went.

I went to "Centergy," a class that could also be called Yoga on Crack, or maybe steroids- I am not sure which one. In other words, I started practicing yoga as a way to stay fit and as a form of excercise. I think this may be the sole reason why many people that young even consider yoga, that is, due to lack of self-evolution and small-mindedness.

 I am not sure if I could ever have experienced anything spiritual or mentally cleansing in that class. It was in a glassed-in aerobics room at a Gold's Gym with techno-like music. How can anyone truly relax and feel peaceful when there are bodybuilders grunting and treadmills humming just on the other side of the glass? There were out-of shape- men riding the fine line between middle-aged and elderly, who unknowingly cut the cheese at least a handful of times throughout class. There were bleached-blonde housewives and a teacher with a microphone and headpiece. But I went back every week.

At that point, I obviously hadn't exactly grasped my mother's deeper and more spiritual reasons for delving into the world of yoga. I just had absolutely no idea what my yoga practice would transform in to over the next six years of my life... in to what is now. So, that's ok. That is where I started yoga and in my 16-year-old brain, I just wanted a good work out. What's the harm in that?

Whatever can get someone started practicing is a good thing. And no one, especially a sixteen-year-old girl, is going to immediately feel the mental, emotional and spiritual benefits that a consistent practice can and will offer anyone who is willing to try.  

Mom, why in the world are you standing on your head?

I was about eight years old and I was wandering aimlessly through my house with my best friend Trina when we stumbled upon a bizarre scene: My mother was sitting in front of our large sliding glass doors which faced the northeastern forest of oak trees. Well, to us it was bizarre, and actually, she was not sitting- she was in a complete handstand- just hangin' out. She had a serene look on her face and just smiled at us when we gasped, "WHAT are you doing?"

"Yoga, come sit down and try it," she said as she slid delicately out of her headstand. She pointed to the colorful book opened on the floor. It was filled with Indian-looking people doing silly poses together in some kind of strange fantasy land- at least that is how my pre-pubescent mind processed it. I honestly thought my mother was a tad off her rocker: Why was she looking at these people doing these weird stretches?

She seemed to really enjoy it so Trina and I rolled around a bit, laughing incessantly, before we left my mother as she looked out into the green abyss and gathered her prior peacefulness to continue on with her practice.

As we cooked fake food in my pretend-kitchen, we laughed about how funny and ridiculous it was that my mother was choosing to spend her afternoon upside-down.

So, I say I thought she was so weird-a freak, totally bizarre- for standing on her head and doing yoga, but in the back of my little mind, I knew there was a reasonable explanation for her love of it. After all, my mother was and still is my hero and nothing she does could really be that crazy in my opinion.

It took me eight years to give yoga another chance, but this time, I wanted in.